a quiz

(Scene: An interview room.)

Interviewer (John Cleese): You know I really enjoy
interviewing applicants for this management
training course. (knock at door) Come in. (Stig
enters) Ah. Come and sit down.

Stig (Graham Chapman): Thank you. (he sits)

Interviewer: (stares at him and starts writing)
Would you mind just standing up again for one
moment. (stands up) Take a seat.

Stig: I'm sorry.

Interviewer: Take a seat. (Stig does so) Ah!
(writes again) Good morning.

Stig: Good morning.

Interviewer: Good morning.

Stig: Good morning.

Interviewer: (writes) Tell me why did you say
'good morning' when you know perfectly well that
it's afternoon?

Stig: Well, well, you said 'good morning'. Ha, ha.

Interviewer: (shakes head) Good afternoon.

Stig: Ah, good afternoon.

Interviewer: Oh dear. (writes again) Good evening.

Stig: Goodbye?

Interviewer: Ha, ha. No. (rings small hand-bell)
Aren't you going to ask me why I rang the bell?
(rings bell again)

Stig: Er why did you ring the bell?

Interviewer: Why do you think I rang the bell?
(shouts) Five, four, three, two, one, zero!

Stig: Well, I, I...

Interviewer: Too late! (singing and ringing bell)
Goodnight, ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Goodnight.
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.

Stig: Um. Oh this is, is the interview for the
management training course is it?

Interviewer: (Rings bell) Yes. Yes it is.
Goodnight. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding.

Stig: Oh dear, I don't think I'm doing very well.

Interviewer: Why do you say that?

Stig: Well I don't know.

Interviewer: Do you say it because you didn't
know?

Stig: Well. I, I, I, I don't know.

Interviewer: Five, four, three, two, one, zero!
Right! (makes face and strange noise,)

Stig: I'm sorry, I'm confused.

Interviewer: Well why do you think I did that
then?

Stig: Well I don't know.

Interviewer: Aren't you curious?

Stig: Well yes.

Interviewer: Well, why didn't you ask me?

Stig: Well...I...er...

Interviewer: Name?

Stig: What?

Interviewer: Your name man, your name!

Stig: Um, er David.

Interviewer: David. Sure?

Stig: Oh yes.

Interviewer: (writing) David Shaw.

Stig: No, no Thomas.

Interviewer: Thomas Shaw?

Stig: No, no, David Thomas.

Interviewer: (long look, rings bell) Goodnight.
Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding- ding-ding-ding.
Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-
ding-ding.

Stig: Oh dear we're back to that again. I don't
know what to do when you do that.

Interviewer: Well do something. Goodnight. Ding-
ding-ding-ding-ding, five, four, three, two, one .
. .(Stig pulls face and makes noise) Good!

Stig: Good?

Interviewer: Very good - do it again. (Stig pulls
face and makes noise) Very good indeed, quite
outstanding. Ah right. (calls through door) Ready
now. (four people come in and line up by desk)
Right, once more. (rings bell) Goodnight, ding-
ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.

(Stig very cautiously pulls face and makes noise.
Interviewer rings bell again. Suddenly the four
men all hold up points cards like diving or
skating judges.)

Stig: What's going on? What's going on?

Interviewer: You got very good marks.

Stig: (hysterically) Well I don't care, I want to
know what's going on! I think you're deliberately
trying to humiliate people, and I'm going straight
out of here and I'm going to tell the police
exactly what you do to people and I'm going to
make bloody sure that you never do this again.
There, what do you think of that? What do you
think of that?

(The judges give him very high marks.)

Interviewer: Very good marks.

Stig: Oh, oh well, do I get the job?

Interviewer: Er, well, I'm afraid not. I'm afraid
all the vacancies were filled several weeks ago.

There are no notes for this quiz.