Surprise Party - Saturday Night Live

Grandpa (Christopher Walken): Thank you for coming on short notice. As you know, my granddaughter is staying with us over spring break, and tomorrow's her birthday, so I'm going to throw her a surprise party.

Sue (Kristen Wiig): (trembling in excitement) Oh my God!

Casey (Casey Wilson): Aw, what a great idea.

Sue: (squealing) Oh my God!

Bill (Bill Hader): She's going to be so surprised.

Sue: (flailing) Oh my God!

Grandpa: Sue, what's wrong?

Will (Will Forte): Sue likes surprise parties.

Sue: I really love surprise parties. I'm... I'm so freakin' excited!

Grandpa: I want to ask, does anyone want to help?

Everyone: Yeah, absolutely! (Sue shoots her arm straight up)

Grandpa: Well, thank you. She's going to be so happy.

Sue: (vibrates and groans with uncontrollable excitement)

Will: Uh... Sue?

Sue: I'm sorry. I... I didn't know this was going to be happening today. I am... (hyperventilating) I am ecstatic to be a part of this!

Bill: Roger, it's really nice that you're doing this for her.

Grandpa: Well, I'd do anything for her. She's my peach. What do you think? Should I get balloons?

Sue: (screaming) YES!

Will: I know of a party store, I can pick some up on the way over tomorrow.

Sue: She... is going to walk in here... and think that nobody's here! I don't know what she's going to do when she sees the balloons! And we're hidden! And she's surprised!

Casey: That's how a surprise party works, Sue.

Sue: Oh, I know they work!

Grandpa: Well, that's the idea. I thought I'd take her to the park... tell her that we're coming back here for pizza... and that you should all park far away so she doesn't see cars and get suspicious. Sue, what are you writing?

Sue: Oh, that's everything that we're saying, everything that's happening!

Bill: (looks at notepad) It's... it's scribbles. It's nothing. You're acting like it's the first time you've ever thrown a surprise party, Sue.

Grandpa: Leave her alone. Sue, I love that you're excited about this. I am, too. I just show it differently.

Casey: Oh, my friend owns a bakery. I could swing by tonight and pick up a cake.

Sue: I'm sorry... I feel like I'm going to pass out. Could someone... get me something to eat? Some solid food? I'm so freakin'—

Will / Bill: Excited. Excited. Yes, yes, we know. Here, some chips.

Will: Well, I can't wait to see her face tomorrow.

Sue: Oh my God! I forgot about her face! That's the best part!

Grandpa: Well, we still have a lot to cover, so let's talk about—

Sue: Oh boy, my hands are paralyzed.

Grandpa: I thought we could... I could do some juggling from back when I was an army clown. I still have the nose someplace.

Sue: A clown?! (furiously stuffs potato chips and a red cup into her mouth)

Casey: Sue! Sue!

Bill: Get a hold of yourself!

Sue: I'm sorry, but I didn't know this was happening!

Bill: Sue, you know, why don't you go out and get some air?

Sue: I'm sorry. You know what would make me calm down? A practice surprise! We can all figure out where we're going to hide.

Grandpa: Good idea. I don't want to screw this thing up, so everybody hide somewhere.

(Everyone hides behind the furniture)

Grandpa: Now, I bring her in. I say: "Okay, Annie, we're home." Then you say...

All: Surprise!

Sue: (frantically screeching and clawing at the air) Ahhh! Wow! Happy birthday! And you thought we weren't going to be here, and we jumped out! (manic shrieking)

Will: What is wrong with you?

(Annie enters through the front door)

Annie: Hey, Grandpa. What's going on?

Grandpa: Everything's fine, darling.

Casey: Yep, we're just hanging out.

Bill: Uh-huh.

Will: Just talking.

(Sue bites down hard on a couch cushion to keep from screaming)

Annie: Hi, Sue.

Sue: (muffled through cushion) I can't tell you about something!

Casey: Shut it, Sue!

Sue: It's nothing! There's just... something I'm very excited that I can't—Is there a party?! What?! No! Whose birthday is—what? Tomorrow? What? Tomorrow's nothing. What time is it? Park! Pizza! Hey, I'm going to a party tomorrow! Oh God, here it comes. Oh God, you're going to—Oh God!

Grandpa: Sue, don't, please!

(Sue plunges headfirst into the couch)

Annie: Grandpa, what is going on?

Grandpa: Well, to be honest, we're talking about throwing a party for you on your birthday.

Annie: Aw, Grandpa. That's really sweet, but I don't need a party. But what I would like is for you to get me a Coach bag at the mall.

Will: Yeah, we can pitch in on that.

Sue: (pops up wildly) The mall?! I love the mall!

(Sue runs and hurls herself straight through the closed windowpane, crashing outside)

Grandpa: Anything for you, cupcake. Look... we'll get ice cream.

Sue: (bursts back in through the shattered window frame) Ice cream?! The mall!

(Sue dives back out through the window)